How many times I’ve tried to write books about the love we have.
The moments we’ve shared, the sparks that flew and the patients of the distance. (But it’s so hard.) My mood changes with what I write, with how you make me feel and what happens to our hearts. And none of it will ever make sense, none of it follows a story line because that’s just not what our love is. And I think that’s so beautiful because we have such an exceptional kind of love. Such a special bond. Such a unique way of doing things. It’s so remarkable that words, in any type of shape, order or form could never define what we truly have.
Now, I’m not kidding when I say that I have notebooks full of our stories. Full of the ways you made me feel, full of dreams and plans for the future, full of how much I love you, and I can’t ever seem to put it together. I don’t think it belongs to a certain order. It all should be clumped up together because none of those things I have written down were more important than another. Not the good things, not the bad things. They all define what we have, and what he have is a one-of-a-kind — insanely spontaneous, endearing, remarkable way of loving that even those words can’t quite describe.
With every word I’ve ever studied, with every word I’ve tried to untangle and pull definition from, none can capture the perfect example of “us”. With all those pages and notebooks scattered around my room, documents in my laptop with random thoughts and memories, I can’t ever choose which is my favorite, because they are all writings about you, and you are simply my most favorite thing to write about. And as much as I would love trying to define our relationship and try to find the most perfect words to fit into place to describe how crazy we actually are, I don’t know if I will ever be able to define our love. The most important thing to me, the biggest priority in loving you, is making sure that you are constantly, truly happy.
The only thing in this world that I truly care about is your happiness.
You can hurt my heart in every way that is possibly known to man, and I know that’s dangerous for me, and it scares me sometimes. But I would always make sure that your happiness comes before mine. That your heart is fixed before mine, that you are comfortable and secure before I even have the chance to notice if I’m broken. I love you that much. But I couldn’t care less about myself, because when you are happy that’s when I am happy. Your problems have always been and always will be my problems. Your trails are my trails, your conflict is my conflict. Nothing hurts me more than seeing you hurt, feeling you hurt. Making you happy, feeling your happiness, seeing your happiness, is truly my favorite part of being alive. And I won’t stop trying, you could never stop me from trying, nothing anyone could ever do, will stop me from at least trying to make you happy. Nobody could ever stop me from loving you, not even myself. I know how delicate your heart is. I know how easily broken it can be. I know what it feels like to be left broken with no hope in the future. I know how much it can scar your way of thinking and that’s why I try so hard to make sure that that’s the last thing you’ll ever have to feel. It absolutely kills me when I can’t do anything about it because of the situations we are in. But promising you that I will take care of your heart and protect it with my life was the easiest promise I have ever made. My love for you is so strong that it even shocks me. But no matter what happens, your happiness comes first, you come first. No matter the distance, no matter the trails, no matter that euphoric simplicity of loving you, no matter what we go through, no matter that moodiness and the tempers, no matter the special dorky quirks, no matter what crazy journey this life takes us on …
YOU ARE WORTH IT.